Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

meow