it be like that
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[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.