It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.