Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.