Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no