Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE