“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby