“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):