It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought