It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
So the ex texted me
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
FINE, I WON’T.
