Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Me trying to look natural in photos

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”