Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.