It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Worth a try
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.