it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You Might Also Like
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]