it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
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They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines