it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.