Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
The three genders.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.