Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.