Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

I wish this was real life…

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Peace was never an option

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits