Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had worse

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

Oh boy, $150,000!

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

What happened to the other hiker??!

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.