It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is