It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The booster protects against what, now?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.