Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.