Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.