Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I’m being attacked 😭

i think my razor is having a panic attack

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Merica.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family