Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!