It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.