It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.