It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO