It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Harsh but fair
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.