It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*