It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all