Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Every work meeting this week

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

🙁