It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.