It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
You Might Also Like
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”