It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I might give this a try 😏
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
