It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I thought this was funny lol
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
accurate