It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
fired
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked