It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Good morning.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.