It do be feeling this way.
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those birds must be on payroll
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley