It do be feeling this way.
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cats when you pet them too long:
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
What the hell is going on?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
🥶🥶🐶🐶
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: