It do be feeling this way.
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.