It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad