Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”