It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor