It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.