Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.