It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.