Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.