Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.