It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back