Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning