It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?