Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”

*Pies are brought to the table.*

Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one