It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”