It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
and now we wait
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
These are too funny not to post 😂
