It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.