Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.