Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder