me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Found the job I’m suited for
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.