Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

And now we wait

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”