It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Friday
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sex so good you see dead people.