Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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Life cycle of cat
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.