“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

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The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history


“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)


[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”


RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?


Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.


I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas


i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass


Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”


You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic