@NicestHippo

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

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@StephenAtHome

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

@Browtweaten

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@JackalAnon

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

@itsmebeegee07

Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out

@ThisOneSayz

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@FannyB1tch

Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.

@iGreenMonk

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

@david8hughes

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do