“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
nobody’s gonna understand
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids