The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
me: no the whole bottle
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.
Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do