“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Webb. James Webb.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I want to meet the individual who made this
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”