It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
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Stick it to the man
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Many hands make light work
