Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Sex so good you see dead people.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog