It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff