It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.