It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.