It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
May have had one breakfast too many
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit