It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
You Might Also Like
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Education is vital
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My life coach traded me.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill