It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.