It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Don’t tell me what to do
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.