Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

old twitter is back baby

Why does laundry happen to good people?

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.